A few years back, a study was done with children, in which young boys and girls were placed by themselves in a room, in front of a mirror. Before long, most of the little girls began to talk to themselves in the mirror. Whereas, the boys looked in the mirror and began to pretend to shoot at themselves, pretend to be an airplane, or some other sort of active play that they watched themselves engage in. In addition, the boys became distracted, losing interest in the mirror, and began looking around at their surroundings. The experiment highlights a major difference between men and women, which begins at a young age. Specifically, women tend to be more relational and men tend to be more action-oriented. As it relates to men, this is often referred to as the “instrumentality of men.” Men tend to identify and evaluate themselves in terms of the work they do and what they do with their time. This is why men, upon meeting for the first time, ask each other: “What do you do for a living?” The link between work and identity is the reason why so many men struggle with retiring, often opting to continue working or finding hobbies or part-time jobs to keep themselves active. What they do defines them. In addition, it is why most men like to receive tools as gifts, rather than more sentimental items. Tools are useful and empower them in their instrumentality. The down side of this personality trait is that men assume the same is true of their wives and give them “tools” as gifts, like a vacuum cleaner or a new iron. It’s easy to see these as thoughtless gifts, when in reality, they’re just a product of how men understand and experience the world. A similar phenomena often takes place when wives express their feelings to their husbands. Women tend to be more relationally-oriented and assume that their husbands experience the world in the same way. Consequently, they express their feelings to their husbands with phrases like: “I love you.” Men appreciate hearing that and want to know that their wives love them, but how others feel toward them is usually less important to a man’s identity than the degree to which they respect them or appreciate the work that they do. One of the best things a wife can tell her husband is something along the lines of: “I appreciate how hard you work” or “You are a good provider to our family.” This may seem odd on it’s face, because our culture is hyper-focused on love and feelings. However, men tend to be less emotionally-focused. Their identity is more driven by a desire to provide and care for their family. Paul touches on this idea in Ephesians 5 when he instructs married couples: “…let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Men like to know that they are loved, but they need to know that they are esteemed or respected. This is a hard idea for our culture and it is often met with incredulity. I’ll acknowledge that there is some variation with individuals, who may be different in this aspect. However, by and large it is accurate. It is an easy concept to test. Wives, for the next week or so make it a point to tell your husbands how much you appreciate the work they do, how well they provide, or tell them that you respect them. Watch their reaction.
