The Beatles once sang: “All you need is love.” While I love the Beatles, this is just incorrect when it comes to marriage. The fact is that men and women are wired differently and don’t interact with the world in the same ways. In Ephesians, Paul wrote a line that contains amongst the most disputed concepts in my 18 years as a teacher/preacher: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” I find that many people argue over the meaning of this line and whether or not it’s the best way to approach marriage. Specifically, the word “respect” draws the ire of folks who perceive respect as a commodity earned or those whom the word conjures images of a dominant husband lording over his home as a king does over his subjects. I would suggest that neither of these is an accurate understanding of Paul’s words or what is best in marriage. Last week’s column considered the interactions that trigger the cycle of conflict that damage marriages. The lack of a proper love and respect exchange is what pours gas on the fire of hurt feelings/retaliation that is the cycle of conflict.
Wives, in general, need love from their husbands. This is best communicated through affection, loving words, conversation, hugs, holding hands, writing love notes, etc. They thrive on it. If you want to make your wife happy, do these things several times a day without expectation of some sort of reciprocation (sexual or otherwise). She will react well to being shown affection as a show of her importance to you. If there is ongoing conflict or built up bad feelings in the relationship, it may take time for her to respond with anything but coldness or suspicion, but it is worth the effort. Women love to be loved and to experience affection that affirms their worth. They need this in order for a relationship to be healthy. This is hard for men, who do not respond in the same way, which frequently leads to problems because everyone assumes that their partner needs what they need. Men don’t naturally pursue affection because they don’t need it the way their wives do. Conversely, wives often assume that their husband’s greatest need is love (just like it is for them), but in reality, men have different needs. This is the reason men typically do not like romantic comedies. They don’t thrive on love/affection.
Paul hits the nail on the head when he tells wives to respect husbands. For most men, respect is one of the most important relationship needs. They need their wives to regularly tell them how much they appreciate their work. Talking down to your husband or lecturing him is roughly on par with him speaking in harsh or unloving ways to you. If you find yourself doubting the truth of this statement, take the time to tell your husband about how you appreciate/respect his work or that he makes you feel safe. Approach conflicts respectfully. Do it consistently for a week or two and you will see him respond.
The tricky part of this is that someone needs to take the first step in changing how love/respect takes place in your marriage and we tend to react the opposite way our spouse needs us to. Women become disrespectful when their husbands are unloving and husbands are unloving when their wives are disrespectful. So who starts the ball rolling? Simple. The more mature member of the marriage. In the coming weeks, this column will flesh out what this means specifically.
