Audrey Hepburn once said of herself: “I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.” While Audrey Hepburn may have been particularly exceptional in this sense, there is an essential truth about women in this quote. It is a truth that, if understood properly, can greatly equip husbands to enhance their relationships with their wives. Last week’s column introduced the idea that men and women have different primary emotional needs. In the next couple of columns, we will be looking at those needs more in depth. The primary need for most women in relationships is to feel loved. Women tend to be far more geared toward giving and receiving affection and love than men are. While there may be exceptions in individual personalities, the majority of women have this need that is simply not as prevalent in men. One of the great challenges that develops in marriages is connected to this reality. Because men don’t usually have as strong a need to feel loved, it’s easy for them to assume that their spouse doesn’t have the same need. Even reading that sentence, many men will find themselves thinking: “How am I supposed to make her feel loved?” It can be challenging because men don’t usually approach the world from an emotional perspective. However, it is not as complicated a task as it seems and most men do it well while courting their future spouse.
The most basic way to communicate love to your wife is through closeness and affection. This involves simple affectionate gestures, performed without ulterior motives. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling, giving flowers, writing love letters, etc. These are all easy ways to demonstrate affection.
Another important way a husband can make his wife feel loved is through being open with her. Women tend to talk to each other more and have a more pronounced need for intimate conversation. This is not the case for men, who generally don’t talk and aren’t open about their thoughts and feelings. Taking the time to talk to your wife, even a few minutes a day, can make huge strides in making her feel loved. This may involve letting her in on the things that you worry about or are frustrated with. Being open feels unnatural for men, but makes a huge difference in their marriage.
Helping her feel loved can be challenging because of the differences between genders. Men tend to be utilitarian. We have conversations to be entertained or to work on fixing a problem. Men look at the world in terms of how they can affect it. Many women will have conversations to let out their feelings on various matters. They want to be heard, understood, and validated. This difference can lead to frustration when she talks about a problem and he instantly offers solutions. While solutions may be appropriate in some instances, it is important for husbands to take the time to understand and affirm their wife’s feelings. Sometimes this means listening and asking questions or offering words of support. It feels unnatural for men, but it is important because feeling understood can help your wife feel validated, important, and loved.
A final way to help your wife feel loved is by demonstrating loyalty and making sure she knows that you are committed to her for life. This is a big deal, because she needs to feel valid and important. Knowing that you are committed will strengthen her sense of importance to you and make her feel loved.
These things may seem obvious, but they tend to be counterintuitive for most men. It’s important for husbands to know that they need to make their wives feel loved daily. This requires committed daily effort.
