The book of Proverbs, in the Old Testament, is a collection of sayings used by ancient Jews for instruction. Some proverbs sound a little like fortune cookie sayings, but they are packed with a great deal of wisdom and applied knowledge, based on timeless and eternal principles. There are a pair of proverbs that appear in chapter 21 that resonate with many men: “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.” and “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” It would be easy to read these and just dismiss them as a sarcastic swipe at wives, but this would not do justice to the big principle behind these proverbs. The principles is that most men have an emotional need for respect. They need to be spoken to and interacted with in a manner that communicates appreciation, esteem, dignity, and honor. In most interactions in a man’s life, a decree of respect is typical, however it’s not unusual for respect in communication between spouses to be infrequent or nonexistent.
My last few columns have looked at husbands and wives in terms of what they need most in their interactions with their spouse. Last week, we looked at the primary need for wives to be loved by their husbands. In the same way that wives need to feel loved, husbands need to feel respected. Please take a moment to understand that last sentence. Acting unloving and acting disrespectful/demeaning are on the same level. I have heard wives say: “I will be respectful if he deserves/earns my respect.” Now, if a husband said: “I will act loving when my wife deserves/earns my love,” it would be pretty offensive. It’s important to understand that these statements are equally hurtful. A couple of short disclaimers: this is not to say that women don’t need to be respected and men don’t need to be loved. Rather, it’s a statement regarding the priority level of needs. Most women need to feel loved more than anything and most men need to feel respected more than anything. Also, respect doesn’t mean groveling, bowing, or calling your husband “master.” Rather, it means speaking to him with a degree of esteem, or to put it in the negative, not talking down to him or demeaning him. Perhaps it would be easiest to understand this in terms of history. Most men marry women who are their friends. She speaks to him in friendly ways, compliments him, thanks him for chivalrous gestures, etc. Far too often it becomes the case that men are married to women who gripe at them, nag them, complain about them, never say “thank you” for the work they do or “good job” or “I’m proud of you.” These things are a big deal to most men, whether they acknowledge it or not. Such a big deal that the author of proverbs wrote that it’d be better to sleep on the roof or in the wilderness than in the same room with a wife who talks down to you.
There is a simple way to test what I am saying. Do it for a couple of weeks. Intentionally tell your husband that you are proud of him or let him overhear you bragging about him to someone else. Thank him for working hard to provide. Tell him something that impresses you about him. Watch your tone of voice and the words you use, so you are communicating respect. It may take a bit for it to make any difference if you have a long history of contemptuous interactions. However, most men are starving for this sort of attitude from their wives.
