Would anyone reading this give their kids a plate full of gravel when they ask for a sandwich? Or would anyone give their kids a live rattlesnake when they ask for lunch? “Of course not!” is the obvious answer. Jesus used these questions as an illustration as to why we can trust God to answer our prayers and requests for help. If God is better than us, then we can probably trust Him to take care of His children, meaning us. This is a paraphrase of Christ’s words, and I’m being a little simple in my treatment of the teaching because I’m going to suggest that there is a great application to be found if we turn the idea upside down. The last few weeks of this column have looked at the idea that husbands and wives have different emotional needs from their spouses. Specifically, we have looked at the wife’s need to feel loved and the husband’s need to feel respected. These needs must be met in every interaction and aspect of marriage. The problem is that it’s easy to simply deny meeting these needs because we are angry or frustrated or just aren’t thinking about it. Usually, we do this easily when we arae dating because our partner is being loving/respectful to us and is meeting our need. He writes love notes, brings flowers, compliments her, and is affectionate in his tone/actions. She compliments his work, doesn’t scold him, and plays the part of his biggest cheerleader. They do this for each other because their own needs are being met. If one or the other ceased, the dating relationship would have ended with someone getting dumped. After marriage, stress, busyness, and other pressures make it easy for us to stop meeting this need. This leads to an end to positive actions to meet the emotional need and frequent flare-ups of the opposite behaviors. We justify it because our spouse responds with negative behavior of their own. I’ve heard folks say that they will act loving/respectful when their spouse deserves it. I’d respond to this by appropriating Jesus’ teaching: “Who among you, if your wife needed your love, would yell at her or act coldly to her? And, who among you, if your husband needed you to respect him, would scold him like a child or demean him in public?” If I was feeling really pushy, I’d ask: “If Jesus or the Heavenly Father treats us by meeting our needs for love and respect, and we want to be good like God, shouldn’t we do the same?” Mind you, I am writing this as a guy who struggles with these things as much as any human would. Being loving when I don’t feel like it is tough, but because I love my wife, it’s important for me to work at growing in this area and to seek her forgiveness when I don’t. I’d argue that it’s important for every married person to follow this approach. Do your best to meet your partner’s emotional needs in this area, whether you feel like it or not and whether they are meeting your need or not. When you are wrong, apologize, and when you are wronged, patiently/lovingly express your needs. The only question that remains is: who acts first? That’s really easy to answer. The person who sees themselves as more mature and more apt to do the right thing acts first. It may take time for this to take hold and you have to be intentional about it. But, it will be more than worth it.
