It is fun to watch my 2-year old boy eat. Anything with frosting or sauce is immediately spread all over his face, shirt, pants, and anything within arms reach. When we visit restaurants, I often want to put down a tarp to catch his crumbs and splashes. Imagine if my boy, covered in food, were to turn to me and complain that I had a speck of food in my beard. It would be funny, largely because a child did it. The same messiness in an adult, with the same acknowledgement of food in my beard, would be funny for a different reason. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus taught his followers this basic lesson, using sawdust and 2-by-4s instead of food. The general idea is that if you notice a fault in someone else, it’s probably worthwhile to take a moment to look at your own life before saying something about it. The stereotype of this, and likely what prompted the teaching, is the religious person who points out the sins of others while ignoring their own failings. Another common example is the parent who smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day, but reprimands their child for smoking. It’s a painful reality that if you desire to be a moral authority in any respect, you have to make certain that you are living according to a code of morality. Simply knowing or believing something is right doesn’t make a person authoritative. If their behavior doesn’t match their beliefs, it leeches away credibility. Further, it reveals something fundamental about the heart condition of the individual. If they genuinely believe something is the right way to live, then they probably ought to do it. Like many of Jesus’ teachings, this one can be applied to many different aspects of life. However, I had a realization about it recently, that I think is worth sharing. I want my marriage to be perfect. I want my wife to be happy and for us to fall more in love as we grow old together. I want us to serve each other selflessly, so our children learn what a healthy, blessed marriage ought to look like. I want my kids to grow up to be Godly people. I want them to be like Jesus, loving and righteous. I think I’ve set lofty goals for my family. I try to teach, direct, and lead my family toward these goals. However, for all my effort toward this end, there is a foundational truth that needs to be front and center in my efforts: I have to do all of these things myself. If I don’t, I reveal that I don’t actually believe they are that important. Further, I lose moral authority to lead my family in this direction. For example, if I want my family to learn to love and serve like Jesus served folks, then I have to do it first. Otherwise, I can’t really talk to them about it without losing my credibility. There’s an important lesson in this for spouses in particular. It’s not unusual for folks to complain that their wife or husband doesn’t do the things they want them to do. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, helping out, complimenting, talking, having sex, cuddling, holding hands, going on dates, or anything other perceived marital obligation; they don’t do it enough. Complaints or comments are usually responded to with a laundry list of what the other spouse isn’t doing. What’s happening is, one spouse is looking at what the other isn’t doing while ignoring their own shortcomings. A healthy marriage begins with learning to serve your spouse selflessly. When needs are being met, then loving requests (not selfish demands!) can be made. It all begins with reflection, or even asking your partner what you could/should do more often.
