Years ago, while out driving with my future wife, I got a flat tire. This would normally not be a big deal, except the freezing rain and the busy road where we pulled over made tire changing less than pleasant. When I finished changing the tire and lowered the car off the jack, I discovered that my spare tire was also flat. I was already frustrated and responded badly to the new problem. My wife often reminds me that I hit the hood of the car with the tire iron. This did little to fix the tire or improve the appearance of my rusty old car, but it has given my wife something to tease me about. The book of Proverbs has a great line that applies well to my response: “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.” This tidbit of wisdom is as true today as it was 2500 years ago. When I worked with kids in mental health, the staff often would share this idea a little more plainly: “Anger makes you dumber.” The idea is simple, the angrier you get, the less you tend to think things through. Even worse, anger often prompts folks to ignore what they know to be true when their feelings cloud their vision. A handful of recent studies have confirmed this idea, finding that people tend to see the world in terms of black and white when angry (I’m completely right/you’re completely wrong or I’m good/you’re evil), they are more likely to ignore their own ethical beliefs, and they tend to do a poor job of problem-solving. This is easily seen in watching married couples who have been in conflict for years. They stop seeing their spouse as another person and begin seeing them as the enemy. Though both partners often contribute to fights by saying hurtful things, acting in a hostile manner, and withdrawing from intimacy; it is rare for either to acknowledge their own part. Anger makes it easy to blame the other person without considering whether or not it’s actually true. This is also why fights tend to escalate, rather than being resolved by cooler heads. Though marriage is a very common example, the instances in which anger leads to poor decisions are far from uncommon. Anything interpersonal, like friendships or family, is subject to this difficult truth. In addition, politics often leads to angry finger-pointing and name-calling. My own tire changing story illustrates the drawbacks associated with tackling mechanical tasks while angry. Poor decisions quickly follow when you lose your temper.
The book of James offers this bit of advice on the matter: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” Anger is a secondary emotion. You feel something else (like hurt, frustration, humiliation, etc.) and then get angry in response. Learning to be slow to anger begins with self control and recognizing the underlying issues. When your spouse says something that hurts you, it’s easy to lash out in anger. A wiser response is slow speech that addresses the problem, rather than hurting them back. It’s seldom the case that hurting your husband/wife back makes you feel better. This is difficult. It’s so much easier to lash out. However, lashing out seldom makes your life better and almost never brings about long term happiness.
