Erik, there was mold in the coffee pot when I came to clean last week.” This simple statement, spoken by the janitor at the church I worked at, created a huge headache for me. I heard it and assumed that he meant to tell me what he told me. I had been on vacation the previous week and didn’t really understand how the coffee pot mold pertained to me. My response reflected my perception: “Ok. I was on vacation last week.” I didn’t think much of the whole thing until I was called into the boss’ office and asked why I told the janitor that I didn’t care about the mess I had made in the kitchen. It took me a few minutes to figure out what he was talking about. Apparently, the janitor had assumed, probably correctly, that I had been the last person to make coffee. His statement was meant to communicate that I should have cleaned up the coffee pot. He didn’t communicate it because he didn’t say it and I didn’t read his mind, so I didn’t know any of this. He understood my response to mean that I didn’t care about his concern. I didn’t say anything of the sort, but he guessed. The whole thing was an excellent example of poor communication. In general, communication faces all sorts of challenges. Our life experience, emotional state, values, history, etc. all shape how messages are understood. They end up clouding the message that is passed from one person to another. This is especially the case in marriage, where gender and emotions tend to make the whole process far more difficult. Spouses, because of the vulnerability that exists in the marital relationship, can hurt and upset each other with very little effort. I have often spoken to folks who were upset about something their spouse said, that they perceived to be angry, unloving, or disrespectful, only to discover that miscommunication was the culprit behind the conflict. There are a couple effective tools I’ve found to avoid miscommunications. The first is repeating back what has been said to you in your own words. “So what you are saying is…” or “So, what I am hearing you say is…” This will give the other person the opportunity to correct misunderstandings. It also helps you process through their words and forces you to listen carefully. Pairing this with the asking of questions makes you a much more effective communicator. Simple “who, what, where, and why” questions can help you understand the other person’s perspective much better. It’s an especially good thing for husbands to learn to do because most wives put a premium on their husband valuing and understanding them. Asking questions shows interest and demonstrates that their thoughts are valuable. Plus, most men don’t enjoy talking as much. Asking questions is a way to be in the conversation without talking at length. The last tool I will share is learning to avoid mind reading. We often try to fill in the blanks in conversations by just guessing what the other person is thinking or assuming that other person knows what we are thinking. This is especially prevalent in marital communications. It is also almost always wrong when guesses are made in the heat of argument or during times when we are more negative than positive in our relationships. We tend to assume the worst in those situations. It’s better to just ask about motives. I’ve found that employing these 3 tools is all that is required to defuse most arguments in marriage. Simply learning how to slow down and be intentional in understanding the other person and making sure that we are understood saves you from many of the fights that don’t need to happen.
