Last week, my daughter started kindergarten. In less than 2 decades, I will be sitting in her high school graduation. She has a long list of future plans and plenty of time to decide exactly what she will do with her life. Between now and college, she has important work to do. She needs to learn to read, to do math, how to write proper sentences, how to put her thoughts on paper, how to use a library, and all sorts of other skills. Those skills will come into play when she goes to college. If, instead of kindergarten, I had dropped her off at Montana State University, she wouldn’t do well, largely because she needed to learn all the things that came beforehand. No matter how smart, talented, and hard working my child is, she will not succeed in college without the training and education she will receive in the coming years. Mohammad Ali once said: “The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses - behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights.” He was right. Every big thing in life is best accomplished through training. I have a pastor friend who put it differently: Training is better than trying hard. My child will need to train before she is ready for college. Fights are won in the months ahead of time, spent training and preparing. You have to prepare to excel in difficult tasks. If I want to run a marathon, I better spend time training or I won’t finish. This seems like an obvious truth. However, I’ve discovered that, though folks know it, they don’t always apply it well to the difficult circumstances in life. For example, I have talked to a lot of married couples who say mean things to each other in arguments. After apologizing, they swear that they will try harder next time to not be so cruel or careless with their words. However, when they get angry again, their mouths get the better of them and they commit the same offense again. Trying harder doesn’t work well in the heat of the moment. For such things, training needs to take place. It seems less obvious, but it’s no less true. The good thing about training for interpersonal conflicts is that a little goes a long way. For example, in the case of arguing, a spouse can train to communicate more effectively, practice taking deep breaths when they get angry, practice saying loving things rather than hurtful ones, and all manner of other habits. I improved greatly in this area when I learned that it was ok to stop a fight and just tell my wife I love her, or hug her, or ask her to pray with me, or to say “hey, I need to take a few breaths and cool down”. I practiced these things in small arguments and in every day situations, which translated well into larger fights. The more I trained the fewer dumb things I said in arguments. The concept can be applied to any recurring situation. The key to making it work is training to do better. Practice with small situations, so that big ones don’t overwhelm us. Sometimes, this starts with finding a trainer to help us be accountable and offer suggestions for how to handle things better. It will almost certainly involve some humility to acknowledge that you need to train to handle things more effectively. However, it is worth it. Training for next time will always work better than just trying harder next time.
