We live in a time of unprecedented connection to the people and world around us. Cell phones enable us to have conversations with each other wherever/whenever we want. Email allows us the instant exchange letters. Social media gives us the opportunity to share our lives with people anywhere and to find long lost loved ones. Strangely, we are simultaneously living through an epidemic of loneliness. Through the 70s and 80s, surveys found that between 11% and 20% of Americans felt lonely regularly. In the past decade, between 40% and 45% of Americans reported that they felt regular loneliness. It’s reached the point that the promise of community is a major tactic for advertisers. Next time you watch commercials, consider how many of them depict groups of people, together, enjoying the product being sold, or families growing closer as a result of buying the product. People are more isolated from each other than at any other time in history. Why do so many suffer from loneliness in a time of unprecedented connectivity?
There are all sorts of reasons for this epidemic. One of the biggest is that we live in a more fragmented society. Things that used to bind us socially have become less important. Extended families used to live in the same towns. Churches used to be the center of community life. Relationships are more easily replaced than they used to be, leading to less commitment to work on closeness.
Part of the problem is the technology we have incorporated into our lives to help us be more connected. Facebook and text messages may be a way to connect to each other, but they are not face-to-face communications. People are hardwired to need face-to-face community. Digital screens simply cannot replace that connection, regardless of how much of it we consume. By becoming more connected in this way, we become more isolated.
Further, the instant gratification and ease we experience in social media settings makes it easier to turn to Facebook or Twitter than to have conversations with those around us. Some interesting studies among Millennials have found that they tend to prefer digital interaction to real life. It’s just easier to deal with people via Facebook than to deal with social anxiety or other obstacles that are present in real life interaction. The problem is that this is still not a replacement for the community that we are designed to thrive in.
A final reason for the increase in loneliness we experience despite our connectedness is in the basic need to be understood. If people peruse your Facebook page, they will likely encounter a refined and safe version of you. Most folks don’t post about their angry days, imperfect moments, or moments of emotional needs. Words are more carefully selected and edited when they are posted publicly on social media than when they are spoken in social situations. This means that, though folks might know you on Facebook, they only know a pruned and polished version of you. It is difficult to feel connected when the you people know is not the real you.
The solution to this problem is simple, but potentially very challenging. Loneliness is cured by socializing in real life. It is necessary to turn off our screens, look at each other and talk. I have talked to many married couples who complain that their partners ignore them, preferring Facebook or texting. Healthy relationships require clear social media boundaries. There are all sorts of other places to connect with people, what is required of us is to step out of our comfort zones and connect. The first step is the hardest, but worth it.
