At the midpoint of World War 1, a stalemate had set in. Both sides had established lines of trenches, protected by barbed wire and machine gun nests. This resulted in an unfortunate strategy where soldiers would rush across the field of “No Man’s Land”, into enemy gunfire, and attempt to dislodge enemy troops from the opposing trench. Often, successfully captured trenches were recaptured as the soldiers in the surrounding trenches sent troops to drive out the enemy and recapture positions. Essentially, both sides sat across the lines from each other, in entrenched positions, waiting for the other side to attack so they could repel the onslaught. It seems senseless from the outside, but from the perspective of the armies in the field, there was no other option.
I’ve watched many people do the same thing in relationships with their spouses, families, coworkers, and neighbors. They find some sort of reason to engage in conflict, then harass each other for years, with no progress being made. This is especially common in marriages, where couples stay together for years, nursing animosity toward their partner over a laundry list of offenses. Typically, when you talk to these couples, they both have legitimate concerns and they’re both wrong. However, to admit that they are wrong and attempt to reconcile or reestablish relationship would involve conceding ground and losing in some sense. Since bitterness is very common in these situations, it becomes difficult, if not impossible, for any progress to be made toward reconciliation. An endless cycle of animosity, attack and counterattack, is the result. The only clear result of this situation is misery. Everyone involved grows increasingly miserable and unwilling to accept responsibility for their own sins that perpetuate the stalemate. The flawed assumption that makes this possible is that retaliation and revenge justify your own bad behavior. They acted badly, so it’s ok for me to act badly in return. Many marriages end because partners are unwilling to admit that their own actions are unjustified, regardless of how the other person acts. The solution to the problem of a stalemate in a relationship is to follow one of Jesus’ core ethical teachings: do not repay evil with evil. If someone wrongs you, turn the other cheek. Confess when you are wrong and make amends, regardless of whether or not the other person is willing to do the same. Jesus taught his followers to love their enemies and pray for those who persecute them. At the core of this teaching is the idea that we ought to be who we are, regardless of how the other person behaves. This is not an easy solution; however, it is a far more effective way to heal a relationship than perpetuating a cycle of attack/retaliate. I am often asked: who should be the first to take a step toward breaking the cycle? The answer is simple. The more mature person should always be the one to initiate reconciliation. It is also the case that this approach might take time to work. A long entrenched pattern of behavior isn’t changed overnight. Both parties may need to learn to not “return fire” when they are offended, and they may need to continue in their efforts to not fight back for some time before the pair reaches the point where a new normal is established.
Please note that I am not saying that a spouse ought to allow themselves to be abused. It is ok to walk away from an abuser, because the behavior violates the basic elements of human dignity.
