My wife and I have been taking a class at church that includes a daily homework assignment: We are to spend 15 minutes of ‘couch time’ together. In principle, this isn’t complicated or difficult to accomplish. It involves sitting on the couch together and having a one-on-one conversation for 15 minutes, without kids or tv or any other distractions.
The crazy thing we discovered is that it’s just not easy to have a focused conversation for 15 minutes. We have to work to come up with things to talk about that aren’t small talk, work, or kid related.
These aren’t subjects that are off limits, but they do seem to dominate our focus. 20 years ago, before our kids came along and before we had careers to discuss, I remember spending hours and hours talking with my then girlfriend, soon to be wife.
We met on the internet and maintained a long distance relationship for seven months, so talking was the main component of our relationship. I can recall sitting up all night on a few occasions talking, then being surprised that the time had gone by so quickly. Now, 15 minutes can feel like a stretch, not because I have grown tired of her or anything like that. In fact, I am crazy about my wife and love her more daily.
The question arises as to why it’s so difficult to hold a short, personal conversation with my spouse. Part of the answer lies in something odd I’ve discovered/encountered: we’re not the only ones.
I talk to all sorts of other couples who find that talking to each other is difficult after years of marriage. It’s not that they hate each other. It’s also not a bad thing to enjoy silence together, but communication in marriage is important because it fosters closeness. Rather, they fall out of the habit of maintaining conversations.
Sometimes this is a byproduct of mounting tensions or one partner actively shutting down, but more often it’s just the case that we don’t think about talking or we assume that our partner already knows or has heard what we’ve got to say.
Men in particular can struggle with conversation because they tend to be less verbal by nature and feel less of a need to talk/be heard. This doesn’t mean that there is nothing to say, rather it means that they are comfortable and have fallen out of the habit of conversing together.
When the time comes to just talk, it feels forced and is difficult to engage. Smart phones and television aggravate the difficulty, because it’s easy to hide behind a screen and block out the folks around us. The solution isn’t easy in the sense that it isn’t instant: practice and making it a priority.
Agreeing as a couple that it is important to talk is the first step because conversation is a team sport. It can’t be accomplished without at least two willing participants. Picking a designated time is important, too. Things that aren’t habits rarely happen without planning and intentionality.
Couch time is a good example of this: a specific amount of time, daily, for conversation. It might also be necessary to pick out some conversation topics or questions in advance.
I used to do this when I was dating, to ensure there was something to talk about. Since discovering that it isn’t always easy to converse, I have started looking for simple questions or topics.
For example, while out on a date with my wife recently we spent a lot of time discussing what our “top 10 vacations together” were and why they were great. This lead to discussions about hiking through the rainforest’s in Costa Rica and time spent driving across the country just before my daughter was born.
I enjoyed hearing and talking about favorite memories of traveling together. It sounds strange, but once we began talking about our traveling experiences, the discussion naturally drifted from topic to topic. We enjoy each other’s company, but have fallen out of the habit of conversation. The more we practice, the easier it gets.
