One of the most frequent complaints I encounter in pastoral counseling settings is the feeling that folks just don’t have their lives together. They aren’t doing well as a spouse, parent, homeowner, employee, etc.
It’s typically the case that this applies to multiple areas of life and there is almost always at least one person they compare themselves to, saying something like: “Their life is perfect and they have everything going so well.
I am struggling to get through each day, but they are perfect.” Ironically, I have talked to people who have said that about each other, not realizing that the other person felt like they didn’t really have their lives together. This type of complaint has gotten more common as Facebook has become more popular, because most folks put a polished up version of their lives on social media, not the messy parts. You typically see pictures of people’s kids smiling or being cute, not throwing tantrums in the grocery store because they aren’t getting the toy they want. The reality is that lots of folks don’t feel like they are excelling in life. We don’t see their marital difficulties or the messy house or their self-consciousness over their physical appearance. We see what they show the outside world.
This is further distorted by our tendency to compare ourselves with others unfavorably. We tend to feel insecure or self-conscious, which usually involves a sense that we aren’t living up to a standard.
Often the standard we fall short of isn’t even a real or realistic one. Or worse, we don’t have a definite idea of what we should be, just that we aren’t good enough.
This is where our neighbors come in. We look at them and start to apply our insecurities to them and before long we’re thinking of all the things we aren’t, but they are.
In reality, most of that is an illusion born of self doubt. One of the best things I’ve learned as a pastor is a willingness to be open about my imperfections, which has opened the door for other folks to approach me and say: “My life is a mess.” It’s amazing how many people live like that, but pretend it’s not that way and hope that no one figures it out.
The opposite extreme grows out of the same deficiency. Most folks I know who live their lives judging others imperfections as a way of building themselves up, do so because they feel inadequate and cope with it by pushing others down to climb upward.
In those cases, they never find anyone who is good enough to meet their standard, and when they do they look for faults so they can inflate their sense of self-worth in an ongoing battle with their own insecurity.
I’ve read a few great approaches for dealing with the issue I’m describing. One involves simply giving yourself permission to be imperfect, even in the eyes of others. This involves celebrating every accomplishment or victory, regardless of size.
This isn’t giving up or just patting yourself on the back for failing. Rather, it is choosing to be happy that you did something rather than be miserable because you can never possibly do enough.
I know plenty of people who are never proud or satisfied with themselves because they never consider anything about themselves to be good enough. It’s a miserable way to live. It makes more sense to be happy when we do things.
The other approach that I consider to be worthwhile in dealing with self condemnation is to consider what gives us value as people. I’d argue that the fact that I’m loved by God, forgiven by Jesus, and that I belong to him to be the source of my worth.
I mess up often, but am loved and forgiven despite my imperfections. Amazingly enough, God has actually made me better over the years. Though I am not perfect now, by any measure, through God’s grace I’m far better than I was 10 years ago. He has changed me for the better and will continue to do so. That’s where my worth comes from.
