Parenting two small children has afforded me a terrific opportunity to watch them and learn about human nature. I have noticed that my kids are happiest in their time together when they play without regard for who gets what, who has to clean up what, etc. When they both enjoy themselves and contribute 100 percent without concern for what the other is or isn’t doing, they tend to be much happier. However, when they begin to bicker over who has to do more or what belongs to who, the result is misery. I think this tendency can be attributed to the human inclination toward selfishness. When my kids start measuring to make sure that nobody gets more, they begin to bicker. When they clean and want to make sure that everyone is doing an equal share, conflicts arise.
This happens because interpersonal relationships are simply not a 50/50 arrangement. In fact, 50/50 relationships are a losing proposition for a handful of reasons. One of the major reasons this is the case is that it assumes the relationship exists as a transaction for us to benefit from, rather than a loving union between friends or spouses. When we approach our relationships as a transaction, we will naturally look for ways to be dissatisfied or to get more benefit for ourselves. Dissatisfaction can easily sneak in when we are looking at our partner’s relational input with a critical eye.
Another reason the 50/50 approach to relationships will tend to fail is that it assumes we can always put in our 50%. I’ve been married for almost 20 years. There are times when I am busy, tired, unmotivated, or in a poor position to do everything I should be doing in my marriage. The same is true of my wife. We can’t always do “our share” and watch for whether the other is doing “their share” doesn’t work well.
Finally, the biggest problem with worrying about whether or not our partner is putting in their 50% share is that our natural selfishness tends to mean that we over-inflate our efforts and under-appreciate everyone else’s work. I don’t always notice when my wife does little things for me, and I am willing to guess she doesn’t notice everything I do for her.
The reality of human interaction is that we tend to operate from selfishness. On our best days, we can work from our love for others. In this case we put in our 100%, or at least as much as we are capable of doing at the moment, and we don’t worry about the other person’s efforts. The natural response to this is: “Won’t that mean that the other person will take advantage of us?” The answer is, “yes, that will sometimes happen.” Sometimes one spouse will do more housework than the other and the other will take advantage of it. Sometimes, we will reach out to our friends more than they will reach out to us. This is one of the realities of loving other folks. Keeping score is poison to loving connections. Please note, I am not advocating for relationships with no boundaries or expectations. Both are necessary for health. Ideally, relationships involve both parties putting in 100%. In real life, selfishness will result in inequality. Ideally, this is dealt with in a loving way that points the other towards better effort rather than attacking them for not doing their fair share.
