Last year, my then 4-year old son started using a new tactic in responding to me when he get’s frustrated with my unwillingness to give him whatever he wants whenever he wants it. Specifically, he started telling me that he doesn’t like me any more or that he likes mom more than he likes me.
Using affection as a lever to get another person to do what you want is manipulative. It’s not an uncommon tactic for a small child, but it’s the sort of thing that folks should grow out of pretty early.
There are less overt versions of this that are typical in adults, like giving folks the cold shoulder or the silent treatment for not doing what we want. This tactic, along with more aggressive versions of withholding affection are generally destructive over the long term, because they create a power imbalance in the relationship, where one person controls the other through emotional manipulation.
Last week, I spent time studying Psalm 4, which is one of the Psalms written by King David. It’s an interesting song because it demonstrates how folks sometimes try to use the withholding of affection to manipulate God into doing what we want.
The song is a mix of talking to God and talking to the leaders of the nation of Israel. It was probably written during a time of famine, when the various leaders were turning away from God because it wasn’t raining or there were other problems with the crops that year.
The song depicts these leaders worshipping other gods and asking for wine and plenty of food. The gist of the rest of the song is that if God is God and we are in a relationship with Him, we should trust Him when our lives are easy and when they are difficult.
We show Him love and affection whether or not He does what we want Him to do. I really appreciated this particular song because it draws out a natural tendency we often have toward God.
We say thanks when life is easy, but get angry or frustrated and shut Him out when things don’t go the way we want them to. Mind you, it’s ok to be angry. David tells the leaders of Israel that it’s ok to shake with rage, but that they should be careful not to sin in their anger. A good example of this is seen in the book of Job.
Job had lost his wealth, family, and health. The book depicts him sitting in the ashes of his burned down home, covered in sores from leprosy. He yells at God, demanding a chance to plead his case as to why all the things that happened to him are unfair. In the middle of his ranting, he said: “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face.” Meaning: I plan on arguing my side and I am pretty angry, but I still love Him and trust Him.
As we deal with God (and our friends and loved ones), there is an important lesson here. We love God because He is God. We should act the same way toward Him regardless of our circumstances.
To withhold our affection from our God because He frustrates us is a manipulation that isn’t likely to work. Like with any relationship, it’s destructive. It’s important to understand who God is and act consistently toward Him, regardless of our circumstances.
