This morning, while I was making breakfast, my 5-year old came into the kitchen with a book he got a few weeks ago: The Jurassic World Survival Guide. He wanted to talk to me about how important the book would be in the event we encountered dinosaurs or if we take the time to watch the Jurassic Park movies again. He told me all about the reasons a guide book would be useful. During the time that I cooked the morning eggs, I learned a great deal about dinosaurs and guide books in general.
Later in the morning, I told my wife about it and she said something profound: It’s important to him, so it’s important. Though I doubt I will be running into any dinosaurs on my way to work this morning, I suspect that my wife is right.
Showing interest in the discussion of the dinosaur survival guide was important because it’s part of how I communicate love to my son. Parenting small children is probably the most obvious relationship where we see this dynamic.
Kids get excited about all sorts of things that parents have to stretch a bit to enjoy. I watch cartoons with my children every Saturday morning because they appreciate my interest and participation. I watch my daughter dance around the living room. I play Paw Patrol with my son.
I listen as my daughter reads me books about princesses. These are all things I do as a dad because paying attention to what matters to your kids communicates love to them. Time, attention, and interest are key aspects of communicating affection.
While this concept is obvious when it comes to parenting, it is far less obvious in other settings. One that I encounter often in my role as a pastor is in marriage. Men and women are different and often have different interests and consider different things important or interesting. I made a mistake in this area many years ago. When my wife and I would watch romantic comedies or other movies she found interesting, I would make fun of them or behave in other ways that communicated my indifference.
Eventually, she decided that she would only watch movies she wanted to see when I wasn’t around. At the time I thought it was great, because I got to watch what I wanted. However, I didn’t recognize what I was trading. I basically communicated to my wife that the things she likes are not important to me.
Only later did I realize that if my wife is important to me, I need to show interest in the things that matter to her because doing so is an expression of love. There are all sorts of other ways we do this.
For example, I know many men who struggle to make time to talk with their wives every day about something other than work, even though their wives are very up front about their desire to talk. In doing so, they are communicating that talking isn’t important.
Many women understand this to mean that they aren’t important. Showing affection without expecting sex, going on dates, showing affection through little things like notes or flowers, and many other little things fit into this category. Sometimes this means paying attention to your wife and understanding what’s important to her without her telling you. Conversely, many things that are interesting or important to men are difficult for women to get excited about. Most men will talk about work at length.
This has prompted many a wife I have spoken with to complain about the fact that her husband talks about work too much. Men do that because in many ways, work defines them. Dismissing such talk communicates powerful things to men.
There are all sorts of other things that are important to men that wives would do well to treat as important: recreation together, sex, times of quiet, being appreciated for work, etc.
Placing value in what your kids or your spouse sees as important speaks your affection for them louder than the words “I love you” ever can.
