A few weeks ago, my 5-year old son was playing with a girl from his class. I gave them snacks, a plate of chips each. My boy eyed up the plates and went to grab the one that appeared to be larger. I stopped him and asked if he was forgetting something. He smiled sheepishly and replied: “Oh yeah, ladies first.” When I asked him why he was going to let his lady friend pick first he replied with a line we say every day: “Because that’s what gentlemen do.” We repeat that line several times a day as a part of him learning to hold doors for ladies, walking girls home after playing with them, never hitting girls, and of course letting girls go first when it’s time to pick snacks or do something fun. My son is pretty proud of his status as a gentleman. The main reason I am doing this is because about a year ago, I asked myself what sort of man I want to train my son to become. “Gentleman” was near the top of the list. The hard thing is that it’s not the sort of thing that happens naturally. Little boys rarely develop the traits involved naturally, nor do they typically see the value in pursuing them. This means it’s necessary to teach them.
Teaching a boy to be a man isn’t an afternoon project. Unfortunately, it is something they are trained to do over the long haul and it’s a training the men in their lives will be a part of one way or the other. The first and obvious way that fathers can train their sons how to be men, is by investing the time to explain it to them over and over. Boys will remember the lessons you explain and train them to follow. In my case, this means reciting the “that’s what gentlemen do” mantra every time an opportunity arises to be a gentlemen. When he succeeds, I praise his efforts and tell him I’m proud of him. I also brag about him in settings where he can see and hear me doing so. Boys almost universally desire for their fathers to be proud of them and to praise them because dads are the model of what it means to be a real man from an early age. My son imitates me often and proudly tells folks how he wants to be like me when he is an adult. I help him in that effort by teaching him to be that kind of man. He’s 5, so lessons are short, concrete, and easy. Later, they will get tougher.
The second way a father trains his son for manhood is through the example he sets. I realized early on that all of my words about how to be a gentleman are worthless in the long run if I don’t live as an example of the ideas. This is especially the case with my wife. He will see how I treat my wife and will learn from my example. There are tons of examples of this that are readily observable. Men who spend time reading with or in front of their children are far more likely to raise kids who read. The most effective way for a man to make sure his kids grow up to attend church with their family is by attending church with their family. Men who hide at work or in front of the tv to avoid dealing with their wives or kids will train their children to do the same thing when they grow up. This means that every father must regularly ask themselves: is this the sort of thing that I want my son to do when he grows up? One of the biggest challenges that I (and I suspect many other men) face in raising boys is that there is always so much to do and take care of, that the intentional task of training can fall to the wayside. This is a mistake. The best thing a man can do for the world is to raise their sons to be righteous men. That doesn’t happen accidentally. Rather, it is a product of investing over the course of a lifetime.
