“A man and a woman are walking up to a building. The man notices the woman and runs ahead to open and hold the door for her. As she walks in, she turns to the man and asks ‘Are you holding this door because I am a woman?’ He responds: ‘No. I am holding it because I am a gentleman.’” I’ve heard this anecdote hundreds of times from a good friend of mine who is a pastor.
He tells it frequently to make the same point: It’s wise to act based on your identity, not based on the situation you find yourself in. In the story, the guy holds the door based on his values rather than the expectations of those around him.
This way your values and standards drive your actions, rather than your feelings in the moment. This may seem like a minor distinction, but in the long term it is a huge deal in terms of character. My wife and I have tried to teach this to our children this idea. For example, I have been working on teaching my son to be a gentleman when dealing with young ladies. A few weeks ago I gave plates of snacks to him and a little girl he was playing with. His first instinct was to grab the larger plate, but I stopped him and asked if he was acting right.
He thought about it a moment and let the young lady pick first. When I asked why, he responded: “Because that’s what gentlemen do.” He acted based on his identity rather than his preferences. This may seem like a small thing, but when he’s an adult and he wants to do something contrary to his values and he has to make a choice, he’ll have learned to do the right thing.
The apostle Peter describes this approach to decision making in his writings when he tells his readers to behave in honorable ways based on the fact that they are God’s children. If God is holy and we are His people, we should also be holy.
The idea Peter presents is that folks should act in harmony with their identity. This isn’t an idea that Peter came up with. Jesus’ teachings are full of instances. For example, he taught that obeying the law about committing adultery was important and that it was equally important to not lust after women who aren’t your wife. The reasoning is that following rules only makes sense if all of your actions reflect your identity as a child of God.
The core value is to be faithful to your spouse. You can’t be “technically faithful” but break the rule in spirit. Jesus is teaching that you should act according to your identity. This begins with identifying what you believe and hold important. It’s not the sort of thing folks often consider carefully. After that, it becomes a conscious effort to measure decisions against our values.
One common example of this is seen among men who will profess undying love for their wives, but rarely spend time talking with them at length or showing them affection. This isn’t to say that these men don’t love their wives. Rather, it is saying that they identify a value and don’t consider whether or not their actions line up with what’s important.
I learned this lesson in my marriage a few years ago. I want to be a great husband, so I make it a point to look for ways to love my wife that make her life better. It’s not difficult, because I am simply acting according to what I believe is important. The biggest challenge is remembering to live for what matters. It’s very easy to forget and simply chase after what feels right in the moment.
