This week, I have been married for 21 years, and I am happy. I thank God every day for my wife and the life we have shared, good and bad. This isn’t to say we never disagree or fight. Rather, that I love her dearly and she is my favorite person in the world. I’ve spent some time trying to come up with some sort of magical advice that would account for our marital success. I spend a bit of time doing this whenever I do premarital counseling or talk with married couples who are struggling. I don’t think there is a magic key. Instead, having a happy marriage is a product of hard work. I can’t speak for my wife, but years ago, I decided that being in a healthy, happy marriage was necessary because we were committed to remaining married no matter what. There’s a legend that when Cortez arrived in the new world, he ordered his ships burned, so his soldiers wouldn’t have the option of turning back. This way they had to fight as hard as they could, because running away was out of the question. Because my wife and I agreed that divorce was never an option, we had to figure out how to make our situation the best it could possibly be. Thanks to this attitude, when I find myself angry with my wife, I have to forgive her and figure out how to get over it. When I screw up, I have to humble myself and ask for forgiveness. We have to work hard to make each other happy. We try to talk to each other every day because it’s part of making our marriage better. We go on dates. I sometimes say that making my wife happy is my second job in life, because it is that important. I don’t know many people who neglect their retirement planning, figuring that it has to last them until they die. Far fewer folks I know invest in their marriage as though it has to sustain them until they die. The short sightedness involved in that decision is mind boggling. A satisfying marriage contributes far more to general happiness than financial security. The dividends paid out by investing in marriage and family exceed all attempts to measure them. Not only does the relationship make you happier, working on it makes your life better. This is because love isn’t just some warm feeling we have toward our partner. It is a choice we make and a way of life. It is a commitment that doesn’t take an enormous amount of effort once or twice a year. It is a daily effort to build. I often recommend folks read books on marriage so as to improve their relationship. If I want to learn to speak Spanish, I’d buy a book and learn it. If I wanted to learn to repair diesel motors, I’d read about them. I want to be in a happy marriage, so I study them. Happy marriages don’t just happen, in the same way that people don’t just wake up one day fit and healthy. It takes work every day.
