Last year, while appearing on Saturday Night Live, Comedian John Mulaney told a joke that I will find funny for the rest of my life: ““It’s hard to make friends when you’re an adult. I think that’s the greatest miracle of Jesus. He has 12 best friends in his thirties, and they weren’t his wife’s best friends’ husbands.” It’s mainly funny because it hits so close to the truth. There is a ton of research pointing to the sad fact that men are increasingly isolated in our culture. The number of men who report having “No close friends” has quintupled since 1990. That is just the lowest number in the survey. Across the board, there are fewer and fewer close relationships between guys. I’ve heard people say that men are just more solitary or need less social interaction to be happy, however that is really not borne out in research. One study observed interactions between close friends of varying ages and genders. The purpose of the observations was to measure the openness of the conversations. The survey found that the most open, intimate conversations between close friends tends to take place between boys at around the age of 12. For whatever reason, men learn to isolate or wound up separated from other guys as time goes on. There are all kinds of reasons for the increased isolation. Some of it has to do with men moving around for employment and severing long standing ties, but other causes are less obvious. One huge one is the disappearance of men from social institutions, like churches. In the past, men developed deep, meaningful relationships through their beliefs or common causes. Their interactions with other people weren’t limited to talking to guys from work or at bars. As men have disappeared from those roles, opportunities to engage with other like-minded individuals have become increasingly scarce. Many guys have long running friendships that drift as they age because the lack of opportunity for connection results in time together becoming less and less frequent. I would argue that our increased reliance on digital communication and entertainment has made the situation worse, because now we can stare at a little screen instead of talking to people around us. It’s easier, but it is a recipe for misery. The truth is that people in general are social creatures. God designed us to operate together and be in relationship with each other. When we swallow our frustrations or heartache, it tends to do little but make us sick inside and angry all the time. Socrates once said: “There is no possession more valuable than a good and faithful friend.” I would suggest that the lack of close relationships is worse than having nothing. It is like missing a hand or an eye. We are incomplete without close relationships. The problem is that it is a difficult problem to solve. One guy in that situation is surrounded by other guys who are busy and lack specific reasons to associate with each other. The trick to solving it is looking for opportunities to connect. In the past, I have had standing appointments with a few friends to gather and play cards or other games. Every week, I go to a Bible study with other guys, who I enjoy talking to. I maintain communications with guys I know and am friends with. This requires me to call or message them regularly. It’s work, but it works. I volunteer in the community, work in different spots, help friends or neighbors when I can, or even go out of my way to catch up with guys to talk a few minutes on the street. Relationships are work, but they are work that pays dividends in your quality of life.
