I officiated my first funeral as a pastor somewhere around 15 years ago. From the very start, I have made it a point to sit down and talk with the families of the deceased as long as possible in order to “get to know” the person I will be eulogizing at the service. As the years have passed, I’ve discovered a secondary benefit to these conversations. I inevitably discover something special that I try to take on as a habit. One conversation of this sort prompted my habit of writing letters to my wife, kids, family members, and friends. I don’t do so as consistently as I would like, but I do it. Those letters put my love for those close to me into words in a manner that will last. How I feel about my loved ones is clear. One day, when I am gone, they will be concrete reminders of how special those people are to me. There are other examples, but the point is that for some reason people remember the truly precious acts of those they love after they are gone. I have never really understood why… until this morning. My brother sent me an article exploring the idea that normal behaviors are often forgotten, while “weird” behavior survives in our memories.
The idea is simple: People never tell stories when you do what is expected. Rather, they share the unusual because it is interesting. The author goes on to argue that normal behaviors cost nothing in the short term, and they disappear quickly. Whereas behavior that defies the norm tends to be expensive, but stands out in our minds. The simplest example of this would be when an individual picks up the tab at the table, instead of letting everyone pay for their own meal. The norm, and less expensive in terms of money spent, is to pay your own bill. No one remembers that sort of thing. Paying for others’ bills costs money, but is more memorable to those present.
When it comes to my example of writing letters to friends, loved ones, and acquaintances, the expense includes time spent writing, vulnerability in sharing your thoughts and feelings openly, etc. However, the presence of those letters and the thoughts presented lasts far longer. After several months of the habit in my own life, I came across all of the letters that I had written; my wife had saved them in a drawer. I’ve heard second and third hand about how letters I have shared impacted folks far more than a conversation or text message would have.
The costs of different behaviors can include all sorts of things: financial/material, time, esteem, effort, forgiveness, discomfort, etc. This is because people tend to default towards the easiest responses in most situations. Thus, our normal behaviors don’t stand out. The harder actions are often the ones that mean the most.
Funerals are the first place I noticed the phenomena, and they are cited in the article. The author talks about how you never hear anyone talk at funerals about ordinary things. It’s always unusual behaviors that outlive us. Incidentally, this is true of both good and bad things. There are other places we can spot these “weird” behaviors. We all have coworkers, mentors, teachers, coaches, and other people who stand out as having impacted our lives. Those expensive, abnormal actions are easily spotted by us because they are meaningful. Because they impacted us, we can reasonably assume that adopting or trying to emulate them will have equally significant impacts on those around us. We simply have to commit ourselves to the expense and intentionally act.
The most extraordinary people in our lives and throughout history are all ordinary people. The differences arise in their memorable actions. They paid the price of doing something unusual and stand out. The same is available to all of us. We simply have to be willing to spend of ourselves.
